A day when I fought with my father…(not very unusual these days) or when my closest friend and I argued endlessly…till I realised that I couldn’t go on..(and this is not got anything to me being sweet or angel-like…it’s just that arguing is not my forte)…or when I lost someone dear to me forever…or when I knew I loved the person enough where enough was just the beginning…
Each time any of this happens…I feel at a loss…not loss of victory or alter ego or face…but a loss of words…
Everytime I try to broach the situation (ofcourse these are situations!), I freeze a little more…the whole of me wants to pour out volumes of words but everytime the words reach my mouth, they feel barricaded…
The words keep sprinting in my head, the thoughts clambering with each other…the mind is processing them faster than the speed of light but the moment they reach the gateway…they are hit by a firewall…
No words leave me…they just cling on to me… leaving me highly sensitized… all pins and needles….so much so that there is numbness which engulfs me…devours my blood flow…leaving me cold and frozen…all tight-lipped and poker…So much has to be spoken, so much, infact, NEEDS to be spoken…but all I do there is stand, dumbfound…
But ’tis not the lack of words that I don’t talk…it’s the lack of ability that I cannot… I do not have the gift of rebuttal…it’s writing that comforts me…to me it is a way of talking without being uninterrupted…a platform where I can say what’s on my mind and in my heart…
Writing decreases my sense of isolation…. and the more I write….the more I heal…that more peace succumbs to me…. I seem at ease with me, with my relationships, with my feelings… (of course I wish I didn’t have to go through those numerous pain and bitterness with my loved ones…my friends, my family, my people…..). Writing is cathartic, a therapy!!!
But it is only when I bleed (even if through my pen), I realize this is what helps me grow…and one day…will help me succeed!!!!
Writing delivers me from my unspoken demons…. liberates my mind…it helps me be…just lets me let go….
There is truly no greater pain than holding an untold story, feeling, and emotion inside you. We live and breathe words.
Words provide the reassurance that perhaps we are not completely alone. There is someone who always understands them…the meaning behind them…the pain, the joy, the love!!!
Words are honest to me and I with them. Some of us breathe through writing, we cry out in writing, or even sing in writing. They etch out the essence of me…. an x-ray to my soul, my mind, my heart!!!
moodsnmoments 